I am hitchhiking down a stretch of highway, heading north to Ashland Oregon. A red convertible stops for me. I walk up to it and find Harrison Ford and Zachary Quinto in the front seat. They offer to drive me to Ashland. Zachary is very warm and accommodating, and in the natural flow of conversation I mention I am looking for work. Zachary nudges Harrison, and they both admit to having some sway with the theatre scene in Ashland.
Before I am dropped off at Lithia park, they both vow to set me up with a paying gig at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
There is a dream rapid transition – “Several Days Later”. There is a murder mystery, someone is knocking off the staff at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
There is an odd production design (reminiscent of American Horror Story or Scream Queens) everyone lives in a dormitory with hallways that keep changing colors, bright neon pinks and yellows and oranges. Interior spaces are either too narrow and claustrophobic or voluminous and too wide.
I am surrounded by a weird cast of characters, each one having their own motives for getting big leads in Shakespeare productions. The characters are more caricatures than anything grounded in reality. I interact and in time interview all these people. Maybe I am supposed to be the detective here?
The caricatures include:
- The pervy bathroom attendant with blonde spiky hair and bugged out eyes. The bathrooms are very strange here, bright blue keyhole designs in the floor that you are supposed to use instead. Sometimes you can see the bugged out bathroom attendant eyes gazing up from the keyholes in the floor.
- A trio of European former supermodels with thick, husky Slavic accents. They know how to operate doors with mystical glyphs and wormhole type magic. The heart shaped glyph on doorknob A opens to door B, which has the counter glyph on its doorknob…
- The buxom hot librarian type; red hair and glasses, only ever seen wearing a silk robe, or nude and buried in a ridiculously bubbly bubble bath. She has a thing for kittens. She is the production star, at least in her own mind.
- A cluster of horny understudies and theater students, who are very keen on the supermodels and the librarian, or each other.
There is a plot point about last minute script changes not being delivered to the entire cast in a timely manner. Which is odd, in that the main pay we are working on is Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor (dream logic I guess).
My official job (when I am not unofficially snooping) is with the production crew, though through a strange sequence of events off-screen I also get to be the understudy for the actor playing Falstaff, as I happen to know his lines in Merry Wives.
Act V, Scene 5
Falstaff: When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.
Meanwhile…I am starting to make romantic headway with one of the supermodels (played by actress Minka Kelly).
We are spending time together away from the festival. We go off campus and have a walk in the country on an old dirt road. We end up straddling a rustic fence together and doing odd gymnastic routines (which are stilted and strange, movement as if captured by someone who does computer animation very badly, trying to emulate this folk acrobatic toy).
It is a perfect day. The sun is out and there are little puffy white clouds under a stunning blue sky. The wheat fields are golden, the supermodels gorgeous blonde hair is blowing in the breeze (which is doubtless full of allergens).
I wake myself up with a sneeze.
COMMENTS ENCOURAGED: What do you think readers? I almost did not post this one.
Harrison Ford image via biography.com
Zachary Quinto image via variety.com
Minka Kelly image via Pinterest (via hollywoodchaos.com)